Friday, March 20, 2009

Reflections of a 38 year old

Yesterday was my birthday.

I never used to think about my birthdays much, until I turned 35. I remember being kind of melancholy on my 30th birthday, but it quickly passed. For some reason, though, 35 hit me hard. Every year since then, the hits keep coming.

It's not really about my age. I don't regret getting older. I don't mourn my youth. I just see time passing by more quickly every year and it's hard to get my breath. I wish I could just slow things down. I wish I could just see it all more clearly.

I love being on the ball field. I think being on the ball field, watching my son play ball is the way I would like to live my life.

I'm so focused when we're there. I'm not thinking about what I have to do next. I'm not planning tomorrow. I'm not trying to multitask. I am just there watching the pitches, watching the hits. Nothing is going on except the ball game.

I want to live more like that, because my day to day life is streaking by me. At breakfast, I'm thinking about the day of school work ahead. As we do school work, I am thinking about housework that I need to do. When I'm doing housework, I think about bills I need to pay. When I'm paying bills, I'm thinking about dinner and my husband getting home.

Even as I write this post, I am thinking about what I need to do next.

And I never really appreciate the moment that I am experiencing.

Except nights like last night, when I sat at the ball field on my 38th birthday and thought to myself I am just happy to be here, enjoying this time, this moment.

Maybe all these thoughts are just a part of getting older and hopefully wiser. What I really think it's about, though, is seeing the time slip away and realizing I have fewer moments left than I had yesterday.

I'm determined to change things. I'm determined to live in the present. Thoughts of the future or the next task will always be there, of course, but I want to value what I'm going through as I am living it.

So my new philosophy is "I'm going to live life like I'm on the ball field and take it one pitch at a time."


A. said...

I hope you had a very happy birthday. I thought this post was lovely and wonderful. A home run!

I wish the days could slow down. Everything goes far too quickly.

Happy Birthday!

Nikki said...

Happy belated Birthday!